Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Me, my life and stressors

I am so stressed lately and trying not to be. Here are my stressors:

* Vicky and Drew -- They both are not working again. I know they're going to come begging for money soon for electricity and I'll have to say no. Their electricity will be cut off and I'll feel like a shitty mom. Even though they both could find a job. Drew was offered a job making $7/hour but he said he was worth more. Well, frankly, if you don't have a job you're NOT worth more because you're not making anything. I'll feel so crappy when I have to tell them no. But I have to show them they're parents now and they have a BABY to support.

* My marriage:

* Still no intimacy. No signs of it in the future.
* I wanted to go to the Battalion ball. Gary reluctantly agreed. I decided not to go because he would just be a stick in the mud. Not on purpose, but if he isn't doing what he wants to do, he's not as fun. I have never been to a prom, formal, anything. I wanted to go to this and have an excuse to dress pretty.
* I don't know if I want my marriage any more.

* Finances: We're doing ok. But not as well as I'd like. I have been spending too much in a manic phase.

* My health: I have to have sinus surgery. My bulimia is getting to me again. I have to lose 50 more pounds and am not motivated at all.

* My mental health: I have been trying for two weeks to get something straightened out in regards to this and it's not progressing as I had hoped. I keep holding out hope that Dr. Baruti will come through. I trust this man and think he's an awesome doctor. I just know he's busy. I did call the nurse line just now and talked to Beth -- a super nice advice nurse. She said she'd go talk to Dr. B about the ongoing situation.

* The Army. Enough said.

* My own actions and lack thereof-- I have done things lately I'm ashamed of and feel disgusted about. I am trying to be a better person. I wake up shaking and exhausted from depression. I'm trying so hard. I know that I have made it this far because God wants me to be happy.

* I want to cut myself. I haven't in a week. I'm sick of watching what I wear so my arms don't show the cuts. I just want to be normal -- or a close facsimile there of.

* I have so little emotional energy I read my Board and I try so hard to respond to the girls. They always respond to my posts. I just can't seem to get myself to do it. Does that make sense? I hope that they realize it's not that I don't love them. Because I do.

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