Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Two Weeks And Some Odd Hours Later

Still no call. I know those of you who are reading this are probably thinking, "Well call the doctor, he gave you his cell for a reason." Yes, I know. It is near impossible for me to reach out for help. By even telling him about what was going on two weeks ago, I was proud of myself. Then calling him on Friday on his cell phone was huge for me. I called the nurse yesterday. EVERYDAY I hope for something. I do try to help myself. I have honestly tried. And I'm still trying. I just told Gary about how desolate I feel. He responded, "I'd call Dr. Baruti." I told him basically the same thing I just said. About how hard it is for me to do that. He just nodded and now he's over there reading his computer gaming magazine. I guess I'm hurt, angry, pissed.. whatever.. that he hasn't been more concerned. That just now he didn't say, "What's the number? I'll call him myself." I'm his WIFE. If I had cancer, he'd fight harder to get me the help I need if I coudln't help myself, right? Why doesn't the world take mental illness the same way?

Yesterday at Walmart I bought a package of utility knife blade refills. Basically really big razor blades. I have never bought something with the soul purpose of hurting myself.

I know something is seriously wrong w/me. I need help and I'm trying so hard to get it. I don't know what to do. If I got to the ER, trust me, that won't work around here. A part of me is thinking of just going up to the hospital and going to sit at the clinic until I actually see Dr. Baruti. Instead I just called the nurse hotline and left a message for the same nurse I talked to yesterday. Maybe she'll have some news for me?

**About 15 minutes after posting this, Dr. Baruti called me. I am to walk in to morrow to Behavioral Health and I'll be meeting w/Dr. Struthers. I am nervous but relieved something's happening**


Carie said...

I am glad he called you back...I wish I lived closer...then I could do something to take your mind off things...I know I haven't posted in awhile, but I do come here almost daily...I just had to get out of my own funk to be the friend you here I am and anytime you need someone, I will be email is and if you want to talk on the phone that can be arranged to...I hope things start to look up for you...I hope something happens today that makes you smile ;) it always seems to help me to laugh...

Susan Davis said...

The world doesn't take mental illness seriously because they think depressed/bipolar/etc doesn't exist and all someone has to do to be happy is to find something to be happy about and, well, start being happy. It's just a barrier keeping them from understanding when the illness is mental vs. physical. I sit back and want to say, "Well, duh, don't cut yourself, how hard is that?" But being someone who has physically inflicted pain on herself before, I understand that it's a cry for help, an attempt to releive some of the internal pain. It's like no one takes you seriously, and that hurts on its own to top it all off. But don't get too upset at Gary or anyone else. For all they think, you're doing it to yourself and you have the power to stop it. It's like, ok, grow up, Lin. Part of me understands that he/they/whoever is tired of your BS. Part of me understands that it isn't BS and it's not going to go away unless some major help comes your way. So, basically, you're on your own for the most part and you have to FORCE yourself to go where you need to go... call who you need to call... and really find another way to hurt yourself without cutting (find some items you can throw or squeeze or break in your house... hurt them not you).

And last, I can't say enough about God's power. Just trust Him and be as patient as you can be. He will help you. K?