Monday, October 06, 2008

Woe Is Me

Gary and I have tossed around the idea of having another baby from time to time. With him returning for R&R soon, we decided now was the time to decide for sure – baby or no baby.

Today I had an appointment for family planning. I had been told by my primary doctor that another baby was not a good idea. Today the OB/GYN confirmed it – no more babies for me.

I had pre-eclampsia with both Vicky and Gunner. This is the reason they took Gunner at 30 weeks. The doctor feels my chances of having pre-eclampsia –if I were to even get pregnant – would be greater than 50%. I would be a high risk pregnancy. I would most likely spend most of the time on bed rest and in the hospital – the hospital two hours away.

It would be selfish to get pregnant.

This doesn’t make it easier to handle. I wasn’t 100% sure I wanted another baby, but to be told not to was crushing.

While I realize women are far more than just a vessel to carry a baby, it is one of our most primal functions. To bear children. To procreate. Suddenly I feel useless. As ridiculous as it is, I feel useless.

I don’t see other women who can’t or don’t have children as useless. I just feel that I have absolutely nothing more to offer anyone. Yes, it’s very dramatic; however, it’s exactly how I feel.

When I told Gary today he said he was disappointed but my health wasn’t worth the risk. I want to believe him, but a strong part of me wonders why he’s married to me of all people. I’m over five years older than he is. If had married someone younger, maybe he could’ve had all the kids he wanted. I suggested this to him today – marrying someone younger and thinner. He said if he had done that, he wouldn’t have me.

That’s my point exactly.

1 comment:

Mimi said...

Dan got a vas. when his ex was preg with their 3 child and I got my tubes tied when I was completely single about 6 mos before I met Dan. We wished that we could have had children together. It would have been nice having a baby with someone that gave a damn. But it was not to be. Now lately, I have been having lots of dreams of being pregnant and it kinda freaks me out. I understand the feeling of not being able to have more kids, although Dan and I did it to ourselves, but still, the knowing you can't or shouldn't reproduce is a bummer. Gary loves you for you and he would be sick if something happened to you. Plus Gunner would lose a great mommy