Wednesday, June 14, 2006

How I'm Doing

I guess I'm doing pretty well all in all. I'm losing weight. I know 30 lbs in two weeks are AWESOME, but then I start to panic. What if I stop losing weight? What if I'm never as skinny as I want to be? What if I look "funny" after the weight loss? What if, what if, what if....

I know that right now it's a physical impossibility NOT to lose weight. I eat less than 200 calories a day. Ironically, that seems like a lot to me right now. I'm going to go to a support group once a month to get some support from fellow WLS people. Oh by the way WLS is "weight loss surgery."

As far as looking funny... I'm bound and determined to get plastic surgery to remove excess fat. I figure I'm undergoing all this right now, it's like building a new house. You wouldn't build the foundation then not paint it to make it look nice, right? Vain, yeah maybe. But never in my life have I had a good body. I'm going to soon. Ok soon is like 18 months, but still.... soon.

Another thing. Gary wants to have another child when all my weight is loss. A lot of women go on to have very successful pregnancies after WLS. Some even have WLS to get pregnant. Truthfully, I don't really think I want another child. By the time all is said and done, I'll be 40. I don't want to be a brand new mom at 40. We'll see. Right now I'm humoring him, but I will tell him soon that I'm not so sure about this new mom business. I know he'll understand.

Speaking of Gary. He's been a saint. There were times in the beginning he was a jerk, and he apologized. But then again there were times I was a total shrew. Right now he's an absolute angel. He has taken such good care of me. I'm so lucky to have him. He's also worried about me losing weight. He admitted he's worried about when I'm all skinny and others find me attractive. On one hand it was sweet. On the other, well I felt like screaming I'm just as valuable now as I will be when I'm thin.

That's something else I'm struggling with. The thinner I get, the better people will treat me. It's a sad, but true, fact of society. I don't want to be bitter. But a part of me wants to just lash out at everyone and remind them that I'm the same person fat or thin.

Ok enough of this. I need to go work on eating my whopping 2 oz of Cream of Wheat. It's tasty but I have to eat so slow it gets cold so fast.


It's My Life For Now said...

Lin, you bring up such a solid point about people treating you differently. That is sad that it is that way, but our society sucks when it comes to that.

When I started this comment, I thought I'd have something profound to say. I guess not so much other than I see what you're saying.

Mimi said...

I've been telling you all along that you are the same person, whatever the side. I've said so often in the past, that if someone doesn't like me fat, then they won't like me smaller, because I'll have the same personality whatever my size will be. That being said, I do know what it's like to feel better because you have lost weight. I also understand the worries about what you will look like and then thinking of the following plastic surgeries. The main thing is, your health will be better and you will be there for your little guy. I wish I had the guts to do the surgery, but I worry about the cost of it even if some of our insurance covers it. But I have been seriously thinking about it.

Deana said...

I think the support group is great because then you can talk to people who know how it feels and have been through it.
I know someone who had the surgery and wanted a baby, I think you have to wait two years after to be able to support a pregnancy. I think all went well with that.
Maybe some counseling with you and Gary as you go through all the changes will be helpful in dealing with all the new feelings that come up.