Saturday, August 12, 2006

No Clue How to Title this Post

This is very hard to write. Today Gary told me he wanted a divorce. He said he was sick of my anxiety and my depression and I was exhausting. I admit I've thrown that word around -- typically after finding something like porn on the computer. After talking he said that he thought that I wanted the divorce. I admit I'm unhappy, but I always thought we'd work it out. He said he didn't know how to talk to me one-on-one.

I will admit that since the surgery, I've literally felt as if I'm losing my mind. My anxiety is at an all-time high. I take klonopin (anti-anxiety drug) sometimes two to three times more than I should everyday. If not, it's like white-knuckling my day. I've been meaner than I've ever been in my life. I've tried to talk to people -- doctor like people. I've gone to a counselor. I have an appointment on Monday with my surgeon. Tuesday I have an appointment with a psychiatrist about my medicine. Wednesday with a counselor -- a different one. I'm not perfect. But I'm TRYING.

After a long talk, he said he didn't really want a divorce, he thought I did and was making it easy for me. I'm devastated. Really I am. The person in my life I felt was my rock pulled that stability out from underneath me when I needed it most. I have never in my life felt safe until this marriage. Now that safety is gone. I'm scared.

Now here's the part that's the hardest to write. I want to die. I 100% truly want to die. I just don't have a way to do it. I would take pills, but ironically, my stomach will not hold that much and I'd just puke them up. I did something today I haven't done in years, I cut myself. As in on purpose. I waited until Gary left to go get Gunner from Vicky's (she had come to pick him up when we were having our discussion). As soon as he left, I got into his toolbox and found razor blades. I'm now disgusted with myself. Partially for cutting. Partially because I was too weak to cut myself deep enough to make a difference. How do surgeons do it?

For everyone saying GET HELP... Trust me I've tried. I also am still trying. I just truly don't want to live anymore. I know people will say, "What about Gunner?" What about him? He'd be much better off w/out a mother who is so emotionally unstable.

I'm not a bad mom. I'm not a bad wife. I'm just a bad person and the evilness I've done has finally caught up to me.


Nobody special said...

Lin I don't know what to say or what to do, but I want you to know that I care and I am thinking of you right now..and I wish I could hug you and make it all better.

hyka's mess said...

Lin, We're here for you, like Angel said, I wish I also could just hug you and make it all better.

Things will not be better without you. You have sooooo sooo many people who love and care about you.

Call any of your PW friends, we're here for you!

On The Losing Side said...

angel, thank you for caring. mostly for not judging. and further for not giving lame suggestions like 'get counseling.'

Deana said...

I am so sorry it is so hard right now. I know talks like you had today are hard, but hopefully it will be a beginning to making things better for both of you. I think sometimes all the bad stuff that gets pushed aside has to come up to get better.
I know so many people care about you and need you.
I wish there was more I could do! Hugs!!

Mimi said...

I, too, don't know what to say. Your blog family cares about you. Don't take this the wrong way, I'm not trying to guilt you, but your family would not be better off without you. They would blame themselves. I know it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but just know that you have the option of contacting us and talking. We are here for you, truly, I know we've never met, but I do feel a connection to you and would truly mourn you. I, too, wish I could give you a hug.

Stacey said...

Lin, I have tears in my eyes reading this blog. I could only imagine how it must feel. I think you need inpatient treatment, now. I wished I lived closer to you and (or) had the money to fly down there and take you involuntary! I think your one of the best people I have ,et, and I mean that. Please, go in for inpatient. I know you cant see over the black cloud right now...but I know you can! PLEASE..

Also you can call me at anytime at work or home! (contact list).

Anonymous said...

The only thing that comes to mind when I read this is that I, too, have felt like I have just wanted to throw in the towel...that it would be easier just to NOT have to deal with all the drama that was my life years ago. And I had a kid then, too.

But I had no way to see that what was waiting for me right around the corner was all the good stuff.

My drama was mostly relationship-centered. I was drained and lost almost 60 pounds (way too much). I had to take a step back and just focus on getting myself better.

But with you, I think that the surgery, the medications, etc. play a big role in how you are feeling. You need to let your psychiatrist know that you are having these feelings and he can change the dosage or medication.

And I agree with Stacey about the inpatient. No, we are not judging. We just want you to be okay.

I know we just met through this blog. But I am just an e-mail away. Anytime. I remember reading a comment of yours on "losing the babywait." That post about Chic-Fil-A and everyone went nuts and started commenting annonomously. And it made me laugh because you were the one who said, "It's Jamie's blog and she can say what she wants so back off.." or something like that. I was like, yes!! Someone finally said it.

Keep us updated.

Melany aka Supermom said...

You don't know me. I don't know you. I do want to offer you some support. I'm sorry for mwha tyou are going through. For the cutting. I know all about that. HUGS to you

Carie said...

I know I haven't known you long, but I do care, and this world is a better place for having you in it...we all care, and we will all be here for you...