Sunday, August 13, 2006

Just a continuation

I took pictures of my cuts. Why? To prove I'm ineffective at even harming myself? I know if you read this you're thinking how lame of me to even think that. Sorry, but that's how I feel.

I was thinking of Gary and what happened yesterday. He said he wasn't happy, then later said he wasn't happy because how could he be happy when I wasn't. Which makes no sense. The most overwhelming thought I've had -- besides why won't God just let me die - is that we got married for better or worse, sickness and health... the typical vows.

If I had cancer, would he be sick of that? Would he be sick of my chemo? Or any side effects? No. Yet, my emotional sickness, that he's sick of. That breaks my heart even more.

I wish I had somewhere to go. Somewhere quiet, cool, maybe a pool, to just think and feel better.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments. I swear I'm not trying to (a) scare anyone, (b) I'm not attention seeking, and (c) I hope Katie is not reading.


John Cowart said...

Hi On The Losing Side,
I just clicked over from Faith's bolg to visit and I read everything on your current page.

Sounds as though you are going through hell -- but you write about it so well. You have a real talent there.

My wife and I will click in again now and then to see how you are doing.


Susan Davis said...


Hi. I see in your post above this one that you're starting to feel better. You know God has put you on this earth for a reason. I only know why He put you here from my perspective. From all I know of you, and note, I don't know everything, I know these things (will list the most important ones):

1) You are always nice to me, and you encourage me to be a better Christian woman.
2) You've helped me when I've wanted to give up (i.e. deployment issues).
3) You motivate me to exercise and stay healthy.
4) You write in such a way that no matter what the subject is, I enjoy reading it.
5) You are cool.

That's just one person's perspective. No matter if it's in person, online, big or small, you touch people's lives just like you've touched mine.

I wish Gary was dealing with this better, and I wish you could find a medicine/doctor that could help your illness.

Have you gone to a Christian preacher/counselor for help? I know you share my faith, and we both know that only God can truly help you. Only God can give you the right people and right situations to help you out of this.

Before you go to anyone for help, go to The One who will heal you inside and out. I give you my word that through Jesus... with Jesus... and in the name of Jesus YOU WILL GET BETTER.

Without Him, there are no promises anyone can make you.

I LOVE YOU... WE ALL LOVE YOU! We will continue to pray for you. I'm so glad you're starting to feel better, and I will pray for you even more!!!

Christine said...

Hello there. I found you through Suzy( I'm glad I did because I feel like we have a lot in common. I struggle with my weight and used to struggle with deep depression. Unlike cancer, it's not an illness that other's can understand that easily. How can you explain that nothing in particular has happened, you just feel totally useless, helpless, and tired of it all?

I used Effexor for my anxiety and I went to therapy. I'm not exactly sure what helped me, somewhere along the way things got better. The clouds that had been there for years passed. Just do your best to make it through each day. You had the courage to get help with WLS and I'm sure things will get better for you. Keep the faith! I will be adding you to my blogroll! =-)

Living Life in South Carolina said...


Visiting via Faith in Florida. I just started reading your posts.

1. I wanted to tell you that you are a very beautiful woman and I hate to hear that you are going through such a hard time.

2. I know your husband must have disappointed you with his response to all that you are going through...just another perspective on what may be going through his mind. I really think that men feel a tremendous amount of responsibility for making their wives feel happy and secure. If they truly do love their wives yet feel like they are failing in this area, it really messes with them in a bad way. I think he is afraid of losing you one way or another, and so he truly thought that letting you go by bringing up divorce was his way of dealing with it and letting you go. Maybe he figured if you aren't happy with him, he'd give you a way out. I'm not justifying his actions by any means, I'm just saying he might feel like he is failing you because he doesn't know how to make you happy and so he is afraid of losing you.

One more thing and I don't know if this is something you would even consider or not, but thought I'd mention. My husband used to be in the military and they tried to deploy him to Korea while we were going through some very hard times with our son. He was able to enroll our son in the Exceptional Family Member Program. If this program is still going on, you might be eligible for the same program and this might limit the army on where they send your husband, or how long he can be gone while you are going through all of this. If he is going to be deployed for a while, this may also help shorten the stay since you mentioned he's leaving soon. (I know how long it takes to get paperwork done in the military!) I've also had to write our congressman and other politicians, people who make the commanders answer for their lack of care or concern. It just seems like he shouldn't be getting deployed anywhere with you going through what you are going through. Perhaps letters from your counselors will also help with this if it's something you two feel like you should pursue.

I will continue to read and try to catch up on what you've already written, but wanted to share that bit with you. I'm praying for you and I also think that Susan Davis' comment was right on!

Susan Davis said...

Still thinking about you... you're strong on my mind right now.

Hannah said...

I came via Faith as well. I wanted you to know that I'm praying for you. I can't imagine what you're ging through, but I know that God does. If you can just hang in there, things will get better. The Lord is always faithful. Try to find things that make you happy: your children, immerse yourself in a good book, anything to keep you going.

Carie said...

Stay strong my new and wonderful friend...I will always be here to listen and do whatever I can for ya...

Deana said...

I hope you are feelling better today! Hugs!

hyka's mess said...

Just wanted to check in on you ... hope today is better!


Heartful of Payne said...

Honey, I wish I could do something for you. I don't know what to say....but I'm praying for you. {super duper humongous hug}

Mimi said...

I'm here, I just don't know what to say. You have my support and friendship.

Susan Davis said...

I hope you are doing ok. As soon as you feel like it, post something to let us know how you are doing.

I wish I could give you some of my good days and I could take some of your bad away.

crazymotherof3 said...

All you need is God! Give it all to him! I see you are trying but you need more! Pray and give God all your troubles, worries and anger! Let Him take care of it all, He will! He would never give you anything that He knows you can't handle! Have faith and don't give up! We Love You and care about you!

crazymotherof3 said...

Oh and may I add you to my Friend's list. I would like to keep up with you and continue talking to you.

Joe said...

I, too, came here from Faith in Florida.

We are all praying for you.

We also know that your are not a bad wife or anything else.

All of us have trouble with personalizing and internalizing the things that happen to us.

When we over-internalize things, we tend to take them out on ourselves. The result is self-harm.

May I suggest a re-focus on things other than the problems that beset you? I know that is easier said than done. It must be accomplished in small steps, things you know you can do, first, and then progressing to more difficult things.

The ulitmate goal would be to give yourself 100% over to others without the expectation of appreciation or even response.

Surprisingly, when that is accomplished, we find a happiness that is astonishing AND we get the responses we need.

I would be happy to expound, if asked to do so, but perhaps this will serve as a starting point.

We will continue to think of you and pray for you.