Monday, February 26, 2007

My marriage is failing

Yesterday Gary woke up after me, as is the case on weekends. I didn't hear him get up and he walked into the living room to find me crying. He kissed me good morning and then said, "Are you crying for the reason I think you are?" I nodded. Then he just went and ate breakfast. I went and laid down on our bed and sobbed. I heard him go back to the office and I know that he heard me at one point. Gunner had been playing and didn't hear me or see me crying. Though I know he has to feel the tension. We try to hide it, but kids are perceptive. I took a Trazadone -- the pills my doctor gave me to sleep. I never take them. But yesterday I just wanted to sleep. ALLL DAY. So I told Gary I took one and was going to sleep all day. I said if Gunner wanted to cuddle me at any time, he could come in. I slept from 11:00 to 4:00. I got up and played with Gunner. Gary didn't really say much. Gunner went to bed a little later than usual. Then Gary went back to the other room. I kept waiting for him to come out and talk. He didn't, of course. He did come out from time to time and have small chit chat.. but if anything, it's worse. Finally, at 9:00 I went to bed. He came in there about 10. He said he didn't know I'd gone to bed. We usually go to bed together. He took his shower and came to bed. Usually we cuddle and watch tv. I just had my back to him and read. Finally I turned over and asked him if we were ever going to talk about what was going on. He said (of course) he didn't know what to say. I asked him if this is how our marriage would always be. Would anything ever change. His answer was, "I don't want to say it will never change." I asked him what he WOULD say. He said that it PROBABLY wouldn't change. We had a few more words, not even heated. I pointed out that it took two to make a marriage work and I couldn't do it on my own. He said he knew I was a great wife. Blah blah blah. I told him I was going to sleep on the couch. He said he'd rather I didn't. I don't remember what was said next. Nothing hateful or mean, but for the first time in our near five year marriage, I slept on the couch.

My marriage is falling apart and he won't do anything to fix it. He says he wants our marriage to work.. but he won't work on it. I'm beyond depressed.

I also took the picture that was on the shelf in our bedroom of our wedding day and put it in a drawer. It literally hurts to look at it. For the first time in all of our years together, I do not believe he loves me.

Well, I'm off to go see my counsellor. The counsellor who I don't think really helps, but I refuse to not get help.


It's My Life For Now said...

Such a crappy place to be. You're right - it takes 2 and it is so frustrating and hurtful when you know that one person is putting forth more effort than the other.

Good for you for going to the counselor - too bad he won't go for himself.


K said...

Oh sweetie, I feel your pain. I'm sorry that he isn't feeling the need to take any initiative in working on the marriage (men can really be awful at the worst times huh?!) Sorry your counselor doesn't seem to be helping, I hope you are at least getting something out of it!. If you ever want to talk, please email me!!!

Susan Davis said...

Hi Lin! I'm so glad your blog is back. I couldn't view it for a long while.

I will be praying for you. I may not be convinced yet, but I have faith that prayer is powerful!!!

My only bit of opinion is perhaps Gary is going through a lot right now, too. I'm sure he has issues.

I will always care about you. I wish your family the best. God be with you! Remember, you are His child, and He wants the best for you.