Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Losing it

No, not my weight. My mind. It's getting to the point again where I was about this time last year where I feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown. What do I do? My counselor's answer to everything is to be more social. How can I be social when all I want to do is cry and scream in everyone's face that they SUCK? My psychiatrist, the one who is supposed to monitor my meds, doesn't. He spends 10 minutes with me, ignores what I say(seriously) then writes the same RX for me as he did the last visit.

What the fuck am I going to do??????? Where do I turn for help? Prayer? Oh trust me, I am. I think sometimes of stabbing myself really hard in the leg so that I have to go to the ER and then maybe someone will take me seriously. That CAN'T be healthy. I know it's not healthy.

What does one do when they know they're on the verge of losing it again and they can't find it.. and don't know where to turn for the help... because everywhere you've turned so far has been like running into walls?

I need a miracle. A small little miracle. Please God. Something to make it better for a while.


Mimi said...

I know the feeling. My son is bi-polar, but for years all the dr.s did was say he had adhd and they would see him for less than 10 mins and then give him the same meds. I went round and round for years, finally, our family doc listened and he actually talked and listened to Alex and then changed his meds and is monitoring him. It still gets bumpy, but part of that is he is a 15 yr old boy. As far as a miracle, look at that beautiful Maddy. By all rights, she should not exist, but she wanted her grandma, so she's there for you, and your family. I wish I could offer advice, but all I can do is lend an ear and let you know that I know what it's like. It hurts like hell watching Alex go through his dark phases and I feel powerless. I just want you to know that even though we haven't met or talked, I am there for you and I do care.

Mimi said...

Believe it or not, it was actually a small town doc that finally listened. We finally lucked out. I read all the time and suck at commenting too. I need to be better about blogging, also. I'm a slacker lately. Hang in there.