Saturday, December 01, 2007

You'll Hear From My Lawyer!!

Yesterday was quite the banner day. I missed Gary something fierce. The “service engine soon” light came on. The air in the tires on the car are low. Oh and someone actually uttered the following phrase to me, “Tomorrow you’ll be hearing from my lawyer.” That, actually, makes me snicker. I honestly thought this was only said in movies. Apparently, I was wrong. Some background info…

Across the way from me, there lives a young soldier, his wife, children and three dogs. The limit for pets in post housing is two. A mere technicality when you’re above the law. These poor mutts bark incessantly. Either Gary or I have gone over and told these people to hush their dogs on numerous occasions. They do. For a while.

Yesterday afternoon, as I try to peacefully read blogs, I hear loud music for quite a while. I go investigate…lo and behold, parked in the backyard of the aforementioned family’s abode is a car with the windows down and some techno crap blaring. And, interestingly, no one in said car. Well, of course it is at that house. I just have good luck with random coincidences such as this. I knock on the door . Pvt. Rat (house resident) opens the door.

ME: Hi. Is that your car out back with the music blaring?

PR: No.

ME: Oh well….

::suddenly inside I hear a voice.. the voice of Pvt. Hero*)

PH: It’s MINE.

ME: Great. Turn it down. I can hear it on the next street.

PR goes to close the door. I remind him gently that his dogs are exceedingly annoying. Apparently, this infuriates ole Hero. He steps outside, closes the door, gets in my face as if I’m some lower ranking soldier he’s trying to intimidate (think of a drill sergeant on the Tide commercials.. ya know?)

PR: You listen here. (as if I have a choice being as he’s less than two inches from my face) This man is a UNITED STATES soldier, serving in the UNITED STATES Army. He just got back from Iraq. He’ll be PCSing (moving) in a week.

After I get over the mind-numbing, statistically improbable odds that a UNITED STATES soldier, serving in the UNITED STATES Army on a UNITED STATES Army military post was living near me, I reply:

ME: Great. Newsflash: My husband is a UNITED STATES soldier, serving in the same damn UNITED STATES Army. It doesn’t matter. Turn your music down. Your friend still needs to keep the dogs quiet. I don’t care if he’s leaving in a week. You still need to turn down your music.

I turn to walk away. Hero keeps yammering nonsense. I ask him what unit he’s in. He tells me it’s none of my fucking business. Uhm, ok. It sort of is.. but …. I walk around back and decide to take a picture of Hero’s car’s license plate. I have friends in high places, folks. It does NOT pay to piss me off. Or more like, my daughter has friends.

Hero comes storming out. He yells at me, “You’ll be hearing from my lawyer tomorrow!!” Attempts to back into me, and speeds off.

SERIOUSLY? I’ll hear from your lawyer?!?! AWESOME! Before he speeds off, I ask Pvt. Hero if his lawyer has a name. I can’t be sure, but based on his rapid peel out in his hotshot car, I’m thinking his lawyer might just be sans name.

Then I started thinking… What if he does have a lawyer? I could potentially be screwed here. I mean surely there is some vague Louisiana law that prohibits someone from asking a jackass to turn their music down. Right? I’ve probably broken a multitude of civil laws. I’ve committed quite the tort on this fine, upstanding soldier. Rather than panic, I began to review my options. I am, after all, an Army Wife. ARMY STRONG. HOOAH!

I came up with two options. While both are sound plans, I think we can all agree Option Two is, by far, the best.

Option one: When said nameless lawyer contacts me, I can call JAG (Judge Advocate General for you non-military type… it’s like free legal for us military folk). They’ll surely defend my honor. Sure that’s a perfectly logical plan. BUT BUT.. . then it came to me.

Option two: While I know a plethora of the J.D. type having worked in that field for many years, why call on them? Why not go to the best money can’t buy.. AVITABLE. You know… if I can get him to tear himself away from his inappropriate, hypersexual, alcohol-saturated other “friendship” that disrespects their spouses with Miss Britt. It won’t be easy, but perhaps I can woo him with tales of rewards in the form of Diet Coke with Lime, ice cold. A never-ending supply.

Not only is this man a blogging genius. A veritable minister of snark (though snarky implies femininity, I love this word nonetheless). Surely this man can draw upon some patriotic bone in his vast body (hey he’s the one that likens himself to an 800 pound gorilla… not me) to defend the honor (or lack thereof) of a deployed soldier’s wife. We are at war people. We all must do our part!!!

Picture it… Pvt. Hero (all of 145 pounds of shaking, self-rightious rage) versus the one, the only, AVITABLE!! Oh… oh.. oh I hope to hear from that lawyer today. Tomorrow. SOON… I even more reverently hope and pray that Avitable will tear himself away from his alcohol-sodden affair with Miss Britt (who, by the way, is encouraged to join the Dream Team legal defense I’m sure to need) to defend me.

Let the trial of the MELLENIUM begin!!!!

*Hero is a term used derogatorily in the Army to rfer to someone who is anything but…

**There are more minor details to the story. Including an anti-climatic ending… but this is a long enough post. Maybe tomorrow the legal drama will continue.


Fantastagirl said...

I'm sure Avitable will be more than willing to step up and defend...

Avitable said...

They might send the license plate photo police after you!

What a douchebag.

Miss Britt said...

I will happily offer style tips.

Not a Granny said...

I will also provide ice cold Diet Coke with Lime to assist in the payment of Mr. Avitable!

The guy has no clue what is in store for him.

Ooohhh can we get Mr. Avitable to perhaps mail him one of his famous postcards? from Hell?

On The Losing Side said...

FANTASAGIRL: I'm sure he would. He's a great guy all in all. BTW, glad your grandma is home.

AVITABLE: Indeed he is.

MISS BRITT: Style tips are always appreciated!

NOT A GRANNY: I never thought of the postcard hell card. Excellent idea. Thanks for the idea!