Sunday, August 20, 2006

It's my Blog and I can be depressed if I want to be!

I keep trying to think of something, anything, that would make me happy. I wish I could drink a soda -- even a diet soda. I can't because it hurts my stomach. Nothing tastes good, and when I do eat it hurts -- probably because I'm still learning to eat slowly. Yes, I'm getting help, they just haven't put me on medication yet. Gary leaves Tuesday -- but this depression goes far beyond his leaving. It goes to the fight we had last week, the fact I'm feeling so ugly. The fact I'm so afraid my friends are sick of me being sad -- which is odd because I only really talk about my sadness here. Otherwise, I avoid my friends. I try to make an appearance on the board w/the other moms of children Gunner's age. I try to post a few replies so that they don't think I just dropped out of sight and only come around when I need them. My little sister is going through a divorce and is having major issues too and I'm so worried about her. Right now the only good thing going on is money -- a brother that owed me a large chunk is sending it all in one sum. This is going to really help. I'm just fretting about that -- as in when will he send it.

I know in time I'll learn coping skills other than binge eating. I haven't been able to exercise in a few days due to various factors -- some legit, some probably made up. A few days I was just gone all day w/doctor's appointments.

I wish I had a place to go where I had zero responsiblities for a few days. I could just relax and not worry about anything. I know everyone wishes for this. I wish I had a mom whose house I could go visit and just sit and know I was loved. Back when my grandma was alive, if I was this sad, I could go to her house, sit at her knees with my head on her bony little legs and she'd run her long nails throuhg my hair. That actually helped. I miss her so much.

My house is trashed again. I don't cook anymore. There was a time this house was spotless and I cooked sometimes three meals a day for my family. This was like within the past few months.

I'm trying, please understand I'm trying to pull through those. To those who say, "just turn to God, " I appreciate that. I know God works miracles. I also know that God gave us doctors for a reason. I appreciate the prayers, and do not at all mean to sound ungrateful. It's just hard to read, "turn it all over to God" when you just want to die. SUSAN this was not meant for you.


Christine said...

My advice is just to keep putting one foot infront on the other. It works for me. I'm still here! I hope this upcoming weeks is better for you!

Anonymous said...

I have been feeling very sad lately- for different reasons though. I wish I would have been a better sister when my sister was still alive. That is a whole nother subject though and now I am in tears..great;) And my husband is being an ass today. Yes, I SAID IT. But really, I know how hard life can be and even though we all don't have the answers, it is good that we can get it out on our blogs and have people who care simply listen..even if they don't quite know what to say.

Keep your head up:)

Mimi said...

Your feelings are valid, no matter what. Nobody really knows what goes on in another persons head. I agree with just taking it day by day, but I realize that some days are much harder than others. I have no words of wisdom, but I will say that I care how you are doing and hope that this dark period does not last a very long time.

Susan Davis said...

I know. I know it's hard to turn it to God. How. How do we do that.

At least you're getting money. That's always a boost. The sooner, the better.

As much as you're going through, I love your blog. I get bored when you don't post. It throws off my daily web-surfing. I need my fix. I still remember the first one I read about grilled cheeses.

In a non-lesbian way, I love you!

Deana said...

I don't think you owe anyone to be more than what you are feeling. I think when you blog or post on the board its ok to be honest and say you aren't feeling happy, that's what we are here for as your friends to listen and be there for you. I just hope things look up for you soon, but you have a lot going on with Gary leaving and everyone understands that. Hugs!

hyka's mess said...

We're here for you, thru thick and thin ... I hate that Gary has to leave, especially at a time when you need him so much. Your blog is your blog to post whatever feelings you are having and we will all respect that. Hang in there.

Heartful of Payne said...

You don't owe anyone any explanations. Your friends will never get tired of you being sad...we'll be sad with you and do our best to pull you up to a happier place!!!!!

I wish there was something I could make it all better. I have bad days for different reasons, and now they seem trivial. But it's still hard for me to face the days sometimes. But like someone else said, you just take one step at a time and tell everything beyond that step to kiss your ass for the day. :o) You can deal with it another day

Sandy T. said...

As hard as it may seem now, things DO get better. Trust me! I know. If you need some words of encouragement go read or come see my blog. I have been battling depression amongst many other things. I just live one day at a time. Even though it seems like that black cloud or those curve balls will never go away, it gets easier. Turning to God is the answer. Prayer is the answer. Faith and hope are the answers. Bless you!